


with no place left to go

by BlackBlood1872



Series: without a sound [2]
Category: King Falls AM (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Depression, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Post-Episode: e075 The Ben Arnold Show
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-09
Updated: 2020-05-09
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:15:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24098695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlackBlood1872/pseuds/BlackBlood1872
Summary: There’s a package waiting outside his door, Ben’s name written in Sammy's handwriting.
Relationships: Ben Arnold & Sammy Stevens
Series: without a sound [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1738723
Comments: 2
Kudos: 36





	with no place left to go

There's a package sitting in front of his door. Ben finds it when he finally drags himself back to his apartment, hours after the end of his first solo show, hours after their failed search for his missing friend.

They found Sammy's car parked on the road, half a mile from Perdition Wood. Everyone has a good idea where he went. Ben wanted to hold onto his denial, but there's really… no denying it anymore.

He's just… tired. Wrung out. The world feels muffled, dull, and he's not sure if this is grief, but it wears on him nonetheless.

There's a package outside his apartment with an envelope taped to the wrapping, Ben's name written in Sammy's handwriting. Ben almost throws up when he sees it. His hands shake as he picks up the bundle.

He takes it inside, stumbling through the familiar routine of unlocking the door, turning on the lights. He sits down at the kitchen table and then just… stares. It's hard to breathe.

He doesn't want to open this package. He doesn't want to read this note. He doesn't want any of this to be real. He wants this all to be a dream, to wake up yesterday and break into Sammy's apartment, latch on and never let go. He wants to pick up his phone and call him, wants to hear Sammy's voice, cranky at being woken so early.

Instead, he has a note full of Sammy's words. A brown paper package full of something, left to him by a best friend who's… gone.

This is the last thing he has of Sammy.

Ben only notices he's crying when a tear drips off his chin onto his neck. And then he can't stop, breathing reduced to quiet, hitching sobs, eyes stinging as hours of fear and frustration finally bubble over. He loses time, huddled at his table, arms wrapped around himself in a facsimile of a hug. He loses time, so he doesn't know when the tears taper off. All he knows is that he's even more exhausted than before, and the sweet morning sunlight hurts his aching eyes.

Ben carefully peels the tape off the envelope and then sets it aside, face down. The other side is blank and Ben is thankful for that small mercy. He'll have to read it eventually, but right now the sight of that writing only brings him pain.

The tape holding the paper together goes the same way, each strip meticulously peeled off and folded up, set aside in their own little stack. It takes time, and every second spent focusing on this is one not spent thinking too deeply about what might be waiting for him. The tape runs out eventually, though. Of course it does. Gingerly, he unfolds the wrapping.

It's a hoodie. Ben isn't sure what he expected, but this doesn't surprise him. The package felt like all those presents he used to get, his mom carefully folding and wrapping various pieces of clothing. This package had that same give.

It's more than just a hoodie though. It's Sammy's hoodie, the one he wore a lot during the colder months and whenever it rained. It smells like him, like his shampoo and his deodorant. Ben feels tired and achy, all cried out, but when he buries his face in the cloth and takes in a deep breath, it's all he can do to keep himself from breaking down again.

There are other things spread out on his kitchen table, little mementos that were wrapped up in the hoodie, but Ben can barely deal with this one thing right now. He's not ready to look through and catalog the memories attached to those items as well. He hasn't even read the note yet.

He has to read the note.

Ben sucks in a deep breath, but it does nothing to calm his racing heart. Neither does gently rubbing the fabric of Sammy's hoodie as he slowly folds it, but the act is soothing, distracting. Enough that his hands only shake a little bit when he finally reaches for the envelope. As he carefully opens it.

There are two pieces of paper in the envelope. They're filled with more of Sammy's neat cursive, because of course they are, what else could they have? That doesn't make it easier for Ben to actually start reading them. He doesn't start crying again, but he does take a moment to close his eyes and take deep breaths.

Then he sets his shoulders and begins to read.

 _Hey Ben,_ the letter starts, and Ben can almost hear Sammy's voice, the little grin he might wear.

> _I'm sorry to leave without saying anything in person, but I knew you'd try to talk me out of this. I've made my decision though, and I'm not going to change my mind. I've already let my lease run out anyway, so I'd have nowhere to stay even if I did._
> 
> _I'll miss you and everyone else in this crazy town. Maybe you'll miss me too. But you'll get used to the new norm eventually. Life moves on. You will too._
> 
> _Here's some things to remember me by. It's not much, but I hope it's enough._

Ben doesn't want _stuff_ , he just wants _Sammy_.

He just wants Sammy _back_.

He flips to the other page, and wishes anew that today was just a nightmare.

> _…By now, you've probably realized what I've done. I won't apologize. This is my choice, and it's the best option available to us. If my theory's correct, then this will close the gate. And… I'll be with Jack. That'll make everything else worth it._
> 
> _The only thing I'm sorry about is that I won't be able to say goodbye. Not in person. I can say it now. So I will._
> 
> _Goodbye Ben. I love you._

Ben spends a long time just clutching Sammy's hoodie, after that. It's the only thing keeping him from breaking apart entirely.


End file.
